Here’s to the Ones

Would we be where we are today without the ones that put us down, didn’t believe in us, and shut us out when we needed them most?

Probably not. Honestly, they were probably the best experiences that happened to us. They taught us to be strong, to never give up. They helped us reach our dreams.

But, did they? There are a lot of people out there that would let these people convince them to give up. There are people that would let them get in their head in all the wrongs way. So really, it is not these people but how we choose to react to these people. It is how we want to deal with the negativity they throw. The moment we realize someone is a negative influence in our life, it is time to let them go. Let them be your fuel, burn every word and feeling and make it into an amazing smoke that fills your world and the world around you. Some of the greatest people that have made it have used every negative vibe others throw to push them to the top.

Are we going to lay in our bed and literally dream our dreams the rest of our lives? Or are we going to live them outside of our walls, showing the world all that we are capable of?

Be a murwoman, get out of your comfort zone. & when you get to the top and even on your journey there you can scream,

Here’s to the ones that didn’t believe in you..

nothing.

They deserve absolutely nothing.

 

Not your happiness, not your attention and not a moment of your time feeling bad because of them. Keep moving forward. Much love!

What’s your dream?? Say it out loud. Leave it in the comments! Whisper it to yourself, tell a friend. Make it real.

 

“Things.” (It’s better than the title)

 

I am Anonymous. I live in a classic, breath taking, chandeliers hanging from the ceiling type of home. House. It’s a house. It was the house I dreamed of. It was the back yard with palm trees I always wanted. In the sun it glistens, it reflects an idea of what I dreamed up long ago. At night the stars show it’s truth, their eyes are too scattered and immense to not see what truly hides in plain sight.

I paid for it. Not financially, my husband, the person I hate the most gives the most. But I gave more, I gave my life. Willingly. I was conscious for every decision. I was there to say I do, there to walk in and out of these doors just to walk back in at my own accord. I scream at my kids like they are the reason I am miserable, I don’t say those words, but they know. I can see it in their eyes, they look at me less and less every day. They will never know me. I don’t know me anymore.

They say in heaven there is a mansion with many rooms, I should have waited for the mansion that won’t be my choice.

But here I am, on the dying side of life. They say I can get out but they don’t know my mind, how many times I have walked out just to turn around before my hand gripped the steering wheel of a car I never have to drive.

I am a name that will never be known. I will fade away into all the “things” that were never really even here.

*Based on a true life story, some where out there.

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This is here because of something my ex recently sent me, and that I have heard before and even before that. “Good luck finding someone who will treat you better.” Anyone else ever heard that?

Why do people feel the need to say that? Since when is the way someone treats you the reason to love them and stay with them. Maybe that is why I stayed with the wrong person too long. I mean there is always some type of love. But I will never make it in this life if I continuously choose someone because of how they treat me or what they can physically give me.

I want someone to give me more. I want someone to give me their mind and for me to accept it for all it is. I want someone to give me their heart and feel the need to protect it with all that I am. I want someone’s soul that can keep mine company for as long as they enjoy each other, hopefully sitting side by side in a rocking chair.

Like in the story above, the husband? He was a good guy. He did everything for her. Gave her everything. But the “things” that really mattered were never there.

I have asked myself a question for a very long time. The question is, would I rather be with someone that loves me more than I love them, or vice versa? Do I want to be the one to love more?

I have a friend that once proposed the theory that in a relationship there is always one person that cares/loves more. I believe this to be mostly true. Could there be exceptions? Sure. Always. But that leaves me with the same question for you, and really think about it because my answer now is different than it was 8 years ago. Also, keep in mind this isn’t a scenario like the story above where one is on the hate side of love. There is still love on both sides but just a visible difference in the depth. Would you rather be with someone that loves you more or someone that you love more?

I mean ultimately we all want to be with someone that there is no visible difference, of course. It is possible for every one of us to find that love in this life. BUT if you are in a crazy universe where you had to choose one or the other, what do you choose?

I hope you all find the soul that fits in the rocking chair beside you. Much love.

Love is Not Catan

 

I ran across an article the other day, “date with intention.” Honestly, I didn’t read it. I did skim it. But, I have read lots of articles like this before. And, yes, it’s great. If that is what you want and that’s what makes you happy. But I want you to take the time to think, is it really making me happy?

Whether you are in you 20s, 30s, 50s, or 70s, in my opinion, it is so ridiculous to date anyone that isn’t making you happy in that moment. Is the person that is making you happy in your 20s going to make you happy in your 60s? I have not idea, and let’s be honest..you have no idea either. If you think you do, then you are probably delusional which is only going to hurt you in the long run. The whole point of marriage and commitment, again in my opinion, is that we don’t know. We are willing to give our time, which is the most valuable thing we can give, to this person because we believe in it. We don’t know, we believe. It is the faith of our life. It’s the destiny we can’t see but we feel.

So, the point of that article was to date with thoughts, ideas, questions on whether or not this person is the person you can marry, spend the rest of your life with. I did this for so long, where did it get me? It got me wishing that I had just turned my brain off for a little while and just enjoyed the moments I was in without worrying is this guy going to be a good father, is he going to provide, surprise me with breakfast in the mornings, massage my back after a long day, is he going to be this person 5 years from now..blah blah blah. Seriously it is all just a bunch of blah. A lot of blah kept me in relationships that I was no longer happy in. It is nothing compared to just being with someone and losing yourself in a love that might or might not last.

Now I could make a whole list, 1..2..3..4 and so on for why this is a good idea. But really that would be kind of against what I am trying to get across. Stop making lists. Stop thinking too much into it. Because really, you can think about it or not, but the outcome is going to be the same. If two people are meant to be together, they will. Love is not a strategic game where you have to plan your every move, it’s not Catan. Or at least it doesn’t have to be. It’s more of a game of chance, luck and fun. It’s a game with no real end and you don’t have to settle.

I’m also not saying this is for everyone. There are those people that need to think it all out and there is nothing at all wrong with that. Do what makes you happy. All I am trying to say, it’s okay to not be that person. Marriage does not equal happiness. It can, but it’s not the marriage that makes it happiness, it is the person. It’s not what they can do for you or what they can give you. It is them, everything they are.

So no matter which truly makes you happy, dating with or without intention I just ask one thing of you, be happy. In every moment, make the choices that makes you happy. Life is too short to be unhappy in any aspect. Live as if when you die your whole life will replay for you and you will have to watch it, your own movie where you are the star.

Would love to hear your thoughts in the comments! Whether they agree or disagree, this is definitely an idea that can have lots of different opinions. There are no wrong answers.

 

love

 

Keep the Wolves Away

You’re a small child, put yourself back there. Who are you looking up to? Who is protecting you?

There are times I run across a song and it is much more than a song to me. It brings back memories. It brings up feelings I am always feeling, but this person somehow found the words that I wish I had found first to describe those feelings. You might not be able to relate to this one, but I do know there are a lot of people out there that can.

Keep the Wolves Away by Uncle Lucius. I know this song because of a very amazing human I know that covers it. It’s one of those songs I keep hitting previous over and over on car rides when it gets to the very end. I can’t help but want to go back to the beginning. There are times, we all just wish we could go back to the beginning.

For my personal story, I had a mom and dad that gave everything they had to provide for their kids. My dad worked crazy hours that seemed to always be changing and always getting longer. To quote this song, “Giving a little of his soul every day, making overtime to keep the wolves away.” & that he did, along with my mom and grandparents that were there every step of the way.

There wasn’t many basketball games or award ceremonies that he missed. He was overworked and underpaid at a big company that would never truly appreciate all he was doing. But honestly I don’t think he was doing it for them either, I don’t think it was his personal dream. But he had a bigger dream, and that was his family.

My mom was always there, taking us to practice, staying home with us when we were sick, always fighting to bring us up with good morals and strong hearts. And so much more. I can’t imagine her ever having much free time for her.

Even when I was younger, even if I didn’t show it, I knew that what my mom and dad were doing was always for us and it wasn’t always easy. They gave us everything we needed and a lot of what we wanted. I even got a car when I was 16, that I still have over 12 years later. I played any sport I wanted and joined any groups at school. Me and my siblings were always put first. I had an older brother and sister, technically half siblings but I never refer to them as that. I realize that they didn’t get the best version of our dad but I do know one thing, I saw how much he was trying to make up for that. I saw how much he had regrets, he even talked about it sometimes, which if you knew my dad that really meant something. He couldn’t wait for the weekends with them, and he was so proud of every one of his kids.

As we get older we truly start to see our childhood and growing up in a different light right? A brighter light? We realize how hard life can be, why our parents and elders always told us, “now don’t you rush growing up, it’s not all what it seems.” They were right. It is a beautiful life but it can be a hard life and you don’t always have that person to keep your wolves away.

For me, one of those left this world far too early. I needed him when my best friend passed away. I needed him when I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I needed him when I was heart broken. I needed him to be here when I found success, I needed him to see. But I didn’t have him. My dad left this world far too early. But I am so lucky to still have my mom and my granny, who was also such a huge part of my childhood and keeping those same wolves away.

Since I graduated high school, I have had a goal. That was to, first, be able to take care of myself, financially at least. Then, I wanted to be able to be the one to give back to my mom, my dad, my granny. I wanted to be able to help my family that needs it. Which on a teacher salary, haha. But, I still have that dream and the older I get the more I grow and learn. The more I see what it takes to get there, and I will. That’s why this song means so much to me, it puts into beautiful words what I have felt for so long.

I just hope those of you that had those parents, can see what it took, can forgive some things that might have happened for them to protect you from the wolves of the world. And I hope you realize when it is your turn to keep the wolves away. It may be for them, or it may be a pay it forward situation to either your family or those that surround you that need it most.

 

It’s Okay..

to not be okay.

 

I feel lately I have been surrounded by loss in one way or another. Whether it be death, divorce, a break up, a best friend moving across the world, mistakes that truly impact life, and the more it happens, the more I realize it.

I’m not sure if that makes sense, but I just mean that it doesn’t have to be someone super close to me for it to impact me. It could be me hearing a couple that lived down the road from my grandparents when I was 5 is getting a divorce and I question if any love ever lasts.

Death of strangers brings back a rush of memories of my own ghosts, my own angels.

I saw a story for the first time last night about a bride that died with her brother in a helicopter ride on her way to her wedding.. why? Why her? Why my best friend? Why my dad? Why my uncle? Why my best friends dad? Why can’t I take pain of the ones I love away?

Leaving people. Whether it be to move away because of your job, you meet someone that you know you will have to leave but it doesn’t make it any easier, breaking up/divorce and not even because it wasn’t great but because it just wasn’t right, and the worst separation any one will ever experience, death.

No one is ever okay with pain. It’s not like driving a car, new jobs, games, and such where you get use to it and you get better at it.  It’s more like period cramps, you know they are coming every month but it doesn’t make them any less painful.

But one thing people don’t talk about a lot is that it is okay to not be okay. You don’t have to wear a fake smile around the people you love or even the people you have no clue who they are or if they would even care. Talk about your pain. Scream if you need to. Turn up that music in your car that makes you cry. Run to that person that you know will always be there no matter how many times you mess up. Call your best friend. We might all be the best at saying that we will be there but when it comes down to it, I like to think the right people will be. So if that first call gets rejected make another.

Find whatever it is that makes you happy. Truly happy. Not that kind that you are covering up everything that is about to fall apart. You don’t NEED a new guy, just because the most recent one didn’t work out. You don’t have to befriend someone you barely get along with because your best friend is gone. Don’t get stuck at some ridiculous job you hate because you don’t think there are other options. Don’t cling to a person because your life isn’t working out the way it’s suppose to right now. Yes, the right people can make you happy and it can be a beautiful recovery. But the wrong people are a band aid, not a cure. That band aid will fall off and all you’ll be left with is a scar and sticky residue.

So find a new book, a new place, someone you can laugh with, your favorite coffee, your favorite new recipe, find your insides and let them be truly happy. Wherever that happiness comes from, it will be beautiful.

You will get back to okay.

If all those phone calls, texts and screams get ignored feel free to reach out to me at
beamurwoman@gmail.com     I will listen. I will talk back if you want. About anything & everything.

 

itsokaynotokaynotokay3

still breathing

Rock Your Interview, Beyoncé Style.

It’s been a while, I’ve been “wifiless” totally a thing, even though my computer wants to autocorrect it to wifeless. ha Anyways, we’re back!

We all know by now who runs the world. Girls!

First I ask myself, would Beyonce limit herself to what job she is going after? No. She is going to go after her dream job, full force without saying sorry. I don’t think Beyonce would even call it a “job.” She would call it an opportunity to rock her Givenchy dress.

Bringing us to number one, her outfit is everything and then some. After all, the first impression will not be her work ethic or how big her heart is. They see how much work she put into her first impression. She will walk into that interview rocking an outfit for the job she wants, not the job she has. Even if she had to go buy a special outfit, it will be worth it. (Go thrifting!)

Now, Beyonce is going to get in formation for her walk into the interview. Her eyes are telling the people giving the interview, “You need me here.” Her shoulders are telling them she is confident. Her hands will shake every hand in the room.

Her answer to every question is as if she is telling the company that she “might get their song played on the radio station.” She convinces them that they need her more than she needs them. Not in an “I am full of myself type of way,” but more of a “we are in this together type of way.”

Every answer she gives is from her heart. Every answer tells her story and why she is there. They each overflow with the passion she has for the dream she is in the process of achieving.

When she is asked for her own questions, Beyonce asks, “Why should I choose you over similar companies?” Because after all, they aren’t the only ones that want the best, you deserve the best as well.

Before leaving the room, she again, shakes every hand, looks every person in the eyes and thanks them for their time. After all, there isn’t anyone that has to give you a chance. She contacts them the next day, thanking them again, putting her back in their mind. She wants them to remember her and know how much she wants this.

Beyonce, throughout or before this interview, is not thinking about how she is not good enough for this opportunity. She is not thinking about how ones that came before her could not do what she does. Beyonce is thinking of her family and how they need her. Beyonce is thinking of the ones that told her she can’t. She is not thinking of them to get her down, but to raise her up. She thinks of them to prove them wrong. Because after all, the ones that didn’t believe in you, they deserve absolutely nothing, except to watch you succeed. She is the healer of her own pain. She is the voice in her head saying, “I will do this.”

If they still aren’t interested in you, tell them to “go call Becky with the good hair.” You will find your dream job. You will be successful. Beyonce was not built in a day. Best revenge is your paper. 😉

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14 Reasons Why Not (#1)

1.It’s up to you.

Ultimately your reasons for living are up to you. If you are reading this, then the choices you make in life are more than likely up to you.

I’m not saying they are easy, especially if you are really living, it’s going to be hard.

But we only get this life once and as cliché as it is, it’s too short to spend it consciously making decisions that do not make us happy.

So, please, in the comments below list your reason/reasons to wake up in the morning. Your reasons to stay up late at night. The reasons why you smile. Or even things that are worth going through in order to get back to those moments.

 

I’m going to leave this music video, if you haven’t seen it, do yourself a favor and watch. If you know of any other inspirational videos please share in the comments also!!

 

14 Reasons Why Not (#2)

2. True Love

Share this with your true love!

This might or might not mean a white wedding dress and a suit and tie.

There are endless different forms of true love, that is what true happiness stems from. Do we always feel its presence, maybe not. But it’s always there or somewhere around the corner.

Your best friend can be your true love, sharing sleep overs, secrets, problems, and dreams. Feeling so comfortable that you can say or do anything and know everything is going to be okay.

Family. Whether it be immediate family you grew up with or some you barely saw but as you got older became inseparable. Those that you know no matter how much you mess up, they are going to be there.

True love can be your children. Those hearts that have always been the top reason for you to be a better person. They are going to forever be a part of you, no matter what.

Your pets, knowing you are going home to a soul that will love you no matter what. A best friend that will be happier to see you every day than anyone else.

Honestly a true love doesn’t have to be someone that is living and breathing. It can be an activity, hobby, food, adventure, the list could go on and on. But this life is worth living if only to figure out who or what your true love is.

 

youand

 

14 Reasons Why Not (#3)

3. Because you can

There are literally people in every city praying, begging to live. They would give anything to live to see their best friend another day. They would die the most tragic death if only they could see their child graduate High School. They stay up every night trying to figure out a way that they can have a choice.

They can’t.

It won’t be up to them.

They will die, because that is what was written in the stars for them. It was/is their time and there isn’t one thing they can do about it.

The ones that loved them will go on thinking of them in such a bright light. Fighters. Someone that wanted so badly to be here with them.

Maybe you have lost someone close, if not maybe you can imagine it. But, remember whatever you imagine, multiply it by infinity. Imagine losing someone that wanted nothing more than to live, to breathe, to love. If you can’t find the will to live in yourself, find it in others. Find it for other humans that don’t have a choice. Make it the best you can, even if that means simply heaving.

 

 

14 Reasons Why Not (#4)

4. Self love.

There are so many out there that the reason they give up on life is that they can’t live without the person they just lost or that broke their heart.

Now, I get this, I’ve been there. I made it out. What I learned? That self love is the first love you need to find. That true love is out there, but we’ll talk about that on the next post. Because, finding yourself and loving the pieces of you is a huge piece of getting to that. Without this piece, your puzzle will never be whole.

So, yes, if you don’t have love for yourself then when someone you love breaks up with you, it will feel like the end of your world. But it’s not. Sometimes it is the beginning. It’s hard, if not impossible to see when you are in the moment but it is for a good reason.

Think about it, do you really WANT to be with someone that doesn’t want to be with you? There are billions of people and the one for you is someone that returns that love, respect, and friendship.

So, if you are broken, take time to put yourself together. But without any other heart involved. This is about you. What makes you happy? What makes you fall apart? What helps put you back together? & no, it’s not that ex. Because that might be a temporary fix, but you will be the only one left to pick up even smaller pieces.

So if you are out there, broken hearted, this is my challenge for you.

  1. Delete his/her number. Block it if you can. Turn off your phone if you have to.
  2. Turn on some music, go for a hike read a book whatever helps you think. Laugh, cry. Do this on repeat until you feel a peace. Think about how much freedom you have to be you, follow your passion, do whatever in the hell you want.
  3. Spend time with friends, find new friends. Join a class, volunteer, host a party.
  4. Be you. Undeniably be you, every minute. Get out of situations that make you uncomfortable, find love for every part of you, do what you want, help those that are always there for you.
  5. Forgive. No matter how bad it was. Forgive him/her. Forgive yourself. & forget. Remember when you need to. But forget, enough to move on.

    fly